


No gain, lots of pain

by Hawkwitch



Series: pre [18]
Category: Yes Minister
Genre: Dark Comedy, Gen, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-06
Updated: 2013-12-06
Packaged: 2018-01-03 16:18:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1072580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hawkwitch/pseuds/Hawkwitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Title: No gain, lots of pain<br/>Characters: Bernard, Sir Humphrey et al.<br/>Genre: Speculation<br/>Rating: PG-13<br/>Warnings: foul language<br/>Summary: Approx. 1 year pre-canon. Bernard starts a new job as The Principal Private Secretary under Mr. Sarget's rule without knowing much, what he is doing. He also discovers that „going to a rehab“ is one of these irregular verbs. Sir Humphrey is growing desperate to make the very directly speaking and confrontational Minister a scarce commodity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No gain, lots of pain

„What an appalling day it was yesterday!“ Bernard fumed in his new office in front of his assistant Lloyd and his secretary Mandy. It was 7.15 AM on a Tuesday morning. „I spent all day in The House of Commons, babysitting our Minister. The MP-s put a huge slapdown on our Minister over the National Database and he was laughed out. I hate politics, really. I only go to the elections if my wife tells me to go. I looked up the word „politics“ on my thesaurus and I found related terms such as „fraud“, „corruption“ and „zoo“. And indeed it was... but that all being said, I am actually starting to like the idea of introducing safeguards to the National Database!”

 

„Really, Mr. Woolley?“ Mandy asked suspiciously.

„Why so? I absolutely love it! Had me occupied all day yesterday.” Lloyd said.

 

„Because, a day in The House of Commonswas not the end of my misery. 5 minutes after the trial version went on air, my new salary number was all over town. Apart from my friends and foes alike calling me at home in the evening and starting to embarrass me, that my new job is all about just sitting on my butt and filling the Minister’s diary and I no way deserve such salary – my wife nearly strangled me to death in the bathtub. It might have been so that I had told a slightly smaller number to her. Be the Minister whatever he is, but he’s right on this one.”

 

„I believe that our lovely Mr. Sargent is so upset about it because only 2 minutes after the trial version went on air, somebody sold his file to his political opponents. It’s not that disasterous, but still fairly colourful... such as for the past 20 years, he has sued his neighbours on the average 1,3 times a year over some obscure disputes and has, in return been sued by his neighbours 1,4 times a year on the average... his neighbours probably hate him even more than his department does.”

 

///

 

„Good morning, Mrs. Harrisson. The Minister has just arrived and ought to be ready to see you.“ Bernard said and giggled like a schoolboy.

 

„Good Morning, Woolley.“ Mrs. Harrisson said and smiled pleasantly. „So how was your first day? I heard that you visited the House of Commons. I'm sure it was very exciting.“

 

„“Exciting“ is one way to call it, Mrs. Harrisson... throughout the whole day I was having strange and disturbing thoughts, what is the meaning of this circus...“ Bernard said in a quiet voice and opened the door to the Minister's office.

 

„For your salary, Woolley, I've seen people putting up with a lot of circus.“ Mrs. Harrisson said with an evil grin and walked through the door.

 

///

 

„But there are legal obstacles...“ Mrs. Harrisson repeated for the tenth time.

Bernard was writing down the conversation and tried not to laugh.

 

„I want to hear nothing about it, you daft cow!“ Sargent said.

 

Bernard's pen dropped on the ground in the middle of writing a sentence and he said: „Minister! This... this is not the proper way to speak to the ladies!“

„Do not lecture me you snotty little bastard!“ Sargent growled.

 

„Shall we get back to the point, Gentlemen or perhaps... have a time-out instead.“ Mrs. Harrisson said, apparently unshaken.

 

///

 

„I'm so sorry, Mrs. Harrison, that the Minister spoke to you like this!“ Bernard sniveled, while back in the Private Office.

 

„Oh? I've heard some even less decent expressions from this Minister. If he does not want to speak rationally, then fine – let it wait, until he cools down. I'm in absolutely no hurry with doing this job. He is.“ Mrs. Harrison said coolly.

 

Bernard scratched his head. He understood nothing.

 

///  
  
„That blasted Harrisson bitch is blocking me!“ Sargent complained.

 

„Alas, ladies might indeed get easily insulted, if not properly spoken to, Minister. However, the law is the law.“ Sir Humphrey said.

 

„Yeah, like flying fuck and dead donkey's ears!“ Sargent growled angrily.

 

Bernard's pen dropped to the ground for the second time in a few hours, as he facepalmed with both hands. His head filled with disturbing imagery.

 

„Are you ill, Bernard?“ Sir Humphrey asked.

„Are you high, Bernard?“ Sargent said mockingly.

 

„Do I really have to write that sentence, Sir Humphrey? I do not mean the sentence, which included the term „high“, but that other sentence earlier, with a reference to „donkey's ears“. I thought about it and this metaphor makes no sense whatsoever...“

 

„Leave it out then!“ Sir Humphrey said impatiently, wondering why does he have to tell something so obvious.

„But you instructed me earlier to write down everything, Sir Humphrey.“ Bernard said with a dumb look.

The Minister started laughing.

 

///

 

Late afternoon on Wednesday. Bernard's assistant was sitting behind Bernard's desk, feet on top of the desk. He was comfortably listening to music and reading The Sun. Suddenly the door swung open.

 

„Oh shoot!“ Lloyd yelped. He turned off the music and stood up, but the newspaper was snatched from him.

 

„Lloyd! Care to explain what is going on here? Where is Bernard?“ Sir Humphrey asked sharply.

 

„He's out, Sir Humphrey.“ Lloyd said.

„Where?“

 

„With the Minister. There was some sort of an urgent call to No 10...“

„WHAT?“

 

„Well, he went together with the Minister and told me to sit here until he returns. This is about it, Sir Humphrey.“ Lloyd said.

 

„And what else did Bernard tell you?“

„He also told me to not to touch his car, Sir Humphrey.“ Lloyd said.

  
///

 

„It looks like the PM's own dirty underwear might be in the news tomorrow morning... and I'm getting blamed for it? ME? The PM is a complete piece of shit, quite honestly.“ Tom Sargent said on the way. Bernard said nothing, looking emptily out of the window. He was wondering, whether the Minister is so rude even to the PM himself. The driver smirked.

 

///

  
  


„You are Bernard Woolley, the notorious high-flyer, I assume.“ The PM's Principal Private Secretary said and chuckled.

„Bernard Woolley is my name, indeed.“ Bernard said coldly.

 

„Alex Cramer – the Principal Private Secretary to the Prime Minister.“ The guy said smugly and they shook hands.

 

„I used to know your predecessor Alan rather well. But the poor chap is no longer with us, alas...“ Cramer said in a tone, as if Alan was not merely removed from office, but dead.

 

„Do you think my Minister gets fired now?“ Bernard asked quietly.

 

Cramer laughed. „I hardly think so. Common people love him and he always gets plenty of votes. They can relate to him and you probably can guess why...“

 

„But why?“ Bernard said, looking dumb.

„Hello? Are you from the Moon? Or even from France perhaps?“ Cramer rolled his eyes. „In a cheap way he is entertaining and politics is all about cheap entertainment.“

 

„Huh?“

 

„But anyway, what is much more important - the Cabinet Secretary likes him, so to speak, for the lack of a better term. What I've heard from the Cabinet Secretary is that „a dog who barks does not bite“ and he ought to stay where he is. So do not hold up too high hopes of getting rid of him. At least until the next general election, that is.“ Cramer said and laughed again.

 

„And why aren't we starting the meeting?“ Bernard asked.

„Have some patience, rookie – the Cabinet Secretary is having a very important phonecall. Even if it takes two hours, we should wait...“

  
  


///

  
  


Mere 45 minutes later the meeting could start.

„That awful rag is going to suggest that I was in a sanatorium once... my medical information is nobody's business!“ The Prime Minister whined.

 

„Come on, man! That you were in a rehab twice while still only a Cabinet Minister is not news. Neither is that you were in a rehab trice while just a beckbench MP. Everybody knows about it anyway.“ Tom Sargent shrugged.

 

„I beg your pardon? It was a sanatorium!“ The Prime Minister growled. „But anyway, this leak is all your fault!“

„But, Prime Minister, this is not my fault!“ Sargent protested. „I have nothing whatsoever to do with this leak!“

 

„I do not care!“ The Prime Minister fumed angrily. „I've told you about eight times that safeguards must be introduced to the National Database but you simply cannot handle doing this job!“

 

„This simply cannot be done. There are legal obstacles...“ Sargent mumbled. „Isn't that right, Bernard?“

 

Everybody's eyes turned to Bernard, who had so far been as silent as a mouse. He blushed deeply and bluthered: „Umf... aaa... yes, Minister!“

 

„Do not insult me, I wasn't born yesterday! This is what the civil service keeps on telling you and I do not want to hear anything about it.“ The Prime Minister was growing more and more angry. „You are being played like a fiddle!“

 

„Speak for yourself, wan---...“ Tom Sargent was saying something but stopped abruptly mid-sentence.

 

„You are useless, incompetent and you really do not know how to behave!“ The Prime Minister said with a hint of despair and rolled his eyes.

 

„Really, Gentlemen, if I might join this very refreshing discussion.“ Sir Arnold spoke slowly and confidently. „Then I would like to point out that while we have no reasonable grounds for assuming this disasterous story can be suppressed, there is some hope it can be presented in a way, which is not the least embarrassing.“

 

///

 

„Oh my dear Humphrey, do not worry. Your presence was not required at the meeting. There was neither anything important nor news-worthy.“ Sir Arnold chattered into the phone. „I saw your little boy by the way! He appears to be just as sound as his dear old father-in-law.“

 

„Arrrnnooolllddd!“

 

„Oh? I said it in a most positive way possible... if possible. Come to think of it, he could probably do your job better than you can.“ Sir Arnold laughed drily.

 

„WHAT?“

 

The line went mute as the telephone was slammed against the wall on the other side.

  
///  


„But I have been clearly instructed to go everywhere with the Minister. This is even written down in my job description, Sir Humphrey.“ Bernard said in puzzlement.

 

„Berrrnnnaaarrrddd. Listen carefully. If the Minister wants to go somewhere, that does not mean he can take liberties of choosing where to go and when! Ministers are like small children. They need to be guided appropriately.“

 

„I'm not sure I follow, Sir Humphrey... our Minister was slightly less rude than normally. Nothing special happened there.“ Bernard said sulkily, absolutely clueless why's the boss so upset.

 

„So nothing special happened! Precisely the point, my dear Bernard!“ Sir Humphrey fumed.

 

„Huh?“

„Berrrnnaaarddd. What do you think would have happened, if our Minister had majorly embarrassed the PM?“ Sir Humphrey said

 

„Uhh... he might have been forced to resign perhaps?“

 

„Quite. And what if our political master is forced to resign?“

„We'd get a new one? Aa...“

 

„Brilliant, Bernard.“ Sir Humphrey said not without some irony. „Today, it was a most opportune moment one can dare to wish for to send our charming Mr. Sargent home early for a very long and very well deserved vacation. However, you my dear Bernard, with your excessive enthousiasm, really managed to blow it. Now, making him deficient takes more time and effort, alas.“

 

Bernard stared his shoes, wondering how he had managed to screw up on the third day at his new job and how to get out of this appalling situation. He really did not feel bright enough to figure out anything.

 

///

 

Thursday morning, 7 AM in the canteen. 

„Morning, Lloyd.“ Bernard told his assistant. The latter was drinking coffee and reading The Sun.

 

„Good morning... why are you smiling, Woolley?“

„I smile because I have no idea what is going on.“

 

„So how was No 10 yesterday?“ Lloyd asked. „Did you finally find out who is really running the country?“

Bernard snatched the newspaper from Lloyd and flipped through the pages.

 

„Oh that? I do not care who runs the country as long as she's got big tits.“ Bernard said absentmindedly.

„This is so WTG: Words of a True Gentleman.“ Lloyd said and giggled. „But, this so-called big scandal is all over the news today, you know... the PM has been „receiving SPA treatments“ a few times over the past few years. And... whatever. Everybody's known this for years, this is no gossip. The rabid participation in privatizations by his sister's company is not even mentioned, you know!!!“

  
  


_///_

  
  


The Minister Tom Sargent was sipping a drink in a lounge in the House of Commons after another fairly embarrassing Parliamentary meeting.

„Hello Tom!“ The backbench MP James Hacker said cheerfully. 

„Hello Jim.“ Sargent said grumpily.

  
  


„Life is rough in the government these days, eh?“ Hacker asked.

„This is the name of the game, my dear fellow.“ Sargent shrugged.

  
  


„DAA is the political graveyard or how was that saying again...“ Hacker did not give up teasing The Minister.

„Oh fuck off!“ Sargent frowned.

„You are also having trouble with your neighbours, or so I've heard.“ Hacker said and laughed.

„FUCK OFF!“ Sargent yelled, which caused some heads to turn.

  
  


„Calm down, old boy, I was merely teasing you!“ Hacker said.

Sargent took a deep breath and said: „Uhh... I know. And what about yourself? Life in the opposition must be fun these days.“

„Well, I cannot complain. Can I? We are having grave concerns over the National Database, you know, in the interest of the public, of course, I think.“ Hacker said.

„Indeed. Have no worries, my dear fellow, noone will touch your file. First, noone really knows who you are and second, your file is so clean and boring it beats my imagination. You are an MP for fuck's sake!“ Sargent said.

„But it is a matter of principle! People deserve privacy! Besides... I really think it should not be so easy to find out for you how boring my file really is...“ Hacker said sulkily and emptied his glass in one sip.

  
  


„Indeed... by the way, do you, by any chance have an idea where those leaks come from?“ Sargent asked.

„Yes? No? Yes? No? No not really, no... hmm... although my former colleagues from Reform suggest that someone from The PM's own staff is making himself extra cash by selling out those files.“ Hacker said and poured himself another drink.

„This is so typical! Most leaks come from No 10.“

  
  


„It is heard on the back benches that the poor PM fell off the wagon, boozed up again and another trip for „SPA treatments“ might be in order.“ Hacker said and giggled.

„And what else is heard on the back benches?“ Sargent inquired.

„That The PM nonetheless allows you to keep your job because as the Minister of Administrative Affairs you will not get in the way with jobs that acutally matter.“ Hacker said and laughed again.

Sargent could not help himself but cursed out loudly again.

  
  


///

  
  


Monday morning.

„All Cabinet meetings are cancelled until our fucking alcoholic PM recovers from his bloody hangover. It can take several weeks for fuck's sake. Or maybe months.“ Tom Sargent said sulkily. He looked at Sir Humphrey in despair and said. „Hell froze over and all government business is... well... frozen over indefinitely. What do we do in the meantime? Go on a strike?“

  
  


„Well, Minister, are you sure, this is the right time? It is of upmost importance under these grave circumstances to show an inspiring example of the government being strong and even setting a personal example of leadership capabilities. This is in people's interest, naturally. You are people's representatives and the only proper course of action is delivering them, what they genuinely deserve. They elected you, after all... Perhaps it would be most appropriate, if the Minister expressed his firm views in a speech to the public.“

  
  


///

  
  


„Can you write a speech, Bernard?“ Sir Humphrey asked.

Bernard turned white. He surely had not anticipated such task. There was a complicated risk-and-return calculation, which indicated no gain and lots of pain either way. If he says he cannot do it, he might be screwed, Bernard thought. But if he does it and it turns out horrible, and it probably does, he certainly ends up extremely embarrassed.

„I hardly think so, Sir Humphrey.“ Bernard mumbled and could not help but wonder, has he now irated his boss beyond the point of no return.

  
  


„Why not? Do not get it wrong – there are no requirements for it being a literary masterpiece. The standard is very low, when it comes to Ministerial speeches, my dear Bernard.“

„I am not very creative, Sir.“ Bernard squeaked, praying he won't get sacked on the spot and generally praying for his life.

„Not very creative? What are you good at then?“ Sir Humphrey asked sharply in an overtly challenging manner.

  
  


„Hmmm... aaaa... I can delegate for example... eee.... there is a new trainee in the press office!“ Bernard bluthered the first thing that crossed his mind and immediately wanted to shoot himself for saying it.

Quite unexpectedly, Sir Humphrey seemed to like this idea. „Good thinking, my dear Bernard. Bring him here. Right now!“

  
  


Bernard was still a little dumbstruck, when he went to fetch the trainee. The next hour and half were spent on crafting the speech. More precisely, the trainee was writing it on Sir Humphrey's instructions. Bernard proofread it. Bernard was certainly no expert on such matters, but he understood that it was really bad a speech. In hindsight, so disasterously bad that he actually could have mastered writing it himself.

„You see, kid, how important higher education is!“

  
  


///

  
  


„I saw Sargent on telly last night. Good Lord. Hypothetically speaking, if Sargent had a moustache, it would have been like bad German porn from the 70's.“ Sir Frank Gordon snarked.

  
  


„Quite. The Times called it „cheesy“ on the cover and posed a question, who wrote this dribble.“ Sir Frederick Stewart said. „It was a trainee actually. The kid had enough nerve to brag about it.“ He laughed heartily.

„A trainee? I took it for granted, it was Appleby himself, how very silly of me.“ Sir Frank said.

„But not everyone hated this speech, actually. I had lunch with The Soviet Ambassador earlier today, he said that the speech was great and relieved his feelings of homesickness for a while.“ Jumbo said.

  
  


„From what I've heard, our poor Prime Minister was supposed to get out of rehab yesterday and was set to return to No 10 today, but after he saw Sargent's speech, he indulged himself in too much liquer again... to be quite honest, I enjoy this little spontaneous vacation right now.“ Sir Frank said.

„I totally agree, but not everyone does... Arnold has gotten very seriously pissed off by now. He is saying – and I quote – „The Prime Minister getting blotto was not supposed to happen. It is not in the game plan, after all. It must be stopped!“ Jumbo said and laughed.

  
  


„I bet he actually leaked those files himself anyway. Couldn't he really anticipate the obvious that the poor PM might relapse after this?“ Sir Frank said with an eyeroll.

„Nah, it was Cramer, who else.“ Jumbo said.

„From his own initiative?“

„Well, of course not, but some people are suggesting that from his own initiative Cramer took an envelope or three for it, which makes things even worse. I believe that the current term for this sort of chaps is „sometimes quasi-independently thinking tankman“.“

  
  


///

  
  


Friday afternoon. The end of the second week on the new job. Around two thirds of this week had been spent on playing billiards and having long lunches.

For past two days, the Minister had not come to DAA at all, after being publicly ridiculed over his speech.

  
  


„It looks like our poor PM has gotten his act together and returns on Mondey. This time it really is finally final. Unless, of course, he has another rough weekend.“ Bernard told his assistant. „From what I've heard, the gloves are off and the PM is ready to dish out some strong words at our Minister's address. It will be rather interesting to see, how he likes his own medicine.“

  
  


„So. Once upon a time Appleby promised to throw a party when we get rid of Sargent. I wonder if this is still on the agenda?“ Lloyd asked.

„Yes.“ Bernard said. „But it will be a „sherry and tea-ladies“ sort of party.“

„Fair enough. But there needs to be a „coke and strippers“ sort of after-party.“ Lloyd said.

  
  


///

  
  


The much dreaded Monday morning. Bernard's third week as the Principal Private Secretary.

„Implying that the Prime Minister is sober is an overstatement, but indeed, he is back to No 10, alas.“ Sir Humphrey said to the Minister. He seemed to be in a rather good mood.

Tom Sargent, on the other hand, was quite irritated and desperate.

  
  


„There are actually some refreshing rumours, The Prime Minister might want to step down – for health reasons.“ Sir Humphrey continued.

„Rumours? Really? Wait, you must be bullshitting me again!“' Sargent said.

„Minister! I am your humble servant, how can you have such suspicions?“ Sir Humphrey said.

  
  


„Boohoo, I'm not falling for this one! I'm positively sure that this PM has his drunken arse grown together with his chair and he is not going anywhere. Except for „SPA“ from time to time.“ Sargent argued. „The PM wants to see me in the afternoon and he's pissed off. Not to mention just plain pissed. Why is he so angry with me? I've never ever intended any trouble, honestly!“

„I do not wish to be pedantic, but this is a very novel way to put it, Minister.“ Sir Humphrey said sardonically.

Bernard smirked.

  
  


„But now, after my speech, he seems to be even thinking I've overstepped my authority and want to become the next Prime Minister...“ Sargent whined.

„But do you, Minister?“ Sir Humphrey questioned him slily.

„This is completely besides the point, Humphrey! He's gone absolutely berserker. No doubt, it's from the consumption of too much booze over several decades. I am not at fault in his woes. He's just permanently shitfaced.“

  
  


„“Shitfaced“ seems to be one of those irregular verbs: I had SPA treatments, you went to a rehab, he is permanently shitfaced.“ Bernard said and giggled childishly. But not everyone or even anyone understood his sense of humour. Sir Humphrey glared at Bernard disapprovingly. Bernard mumbled apologies, but this time The Minister, being angry as is, did not leave it like this.

  
  


„Oh shut up you snotty little jerk! I am tired already of your dumbfuck jokes! It's a shame there is no special rehabs for civil servants, who just cannot shut the fuck up. Yeah, you definitely should be sent there. Actually, both of you! I should make a new policy proposal... And by the way, Woolley – noone even asked for your contribution! Come to think of it, you are a little too old to act like such immature brat anyway. And if I wanted advice or commentary, I certainly would not ask it from you. So shut the hell up unless you are spoken to, got it?!“ Sargent snapped.

Bernard felt very embarrassed and wanted to, first of all, wash his ears and then die a little.

  
  


///

  
  


Bernard picked up the phone.

„Good morning, Woolley, this is Alex Cramer speaking.“ The Principal Private Secretary to The Prime Minister spoke smugly into the phone. „I am calling on the request of The Cabinet Secretary and I have been instructred to deliver a message to you, which you in turn ought to deliver to Sir Humphrey Appleby. The Cabinet Secretary is gravely concerned over the matters in DAA and wants Appleby to come over to the Cabinet Office at 1 PM sharp.“

  
  


„Crikey! Why not tell him directly?“ Bernard sniveled and facepalmed with both hands.

„An order is an order, Woolley. I would not want to ask too many questions, if I were you“ Cramer snarled.

This was surely going to be highly embarrassing.

  
  


///

  
  


„You are late, Humphrey.“ Sir Arnold said sternly. It was 1.01 PM in The Cabinet Office.

„My dear Arnold! You have not been answering to my phonecalls since Friday and now this! You humiliated me in front of my own subordinates! Are you out of your mind?“ Sir Humphrey angsted.

  
  


„Oh I am SO sorry! I would choose my words more carefully, if I were you.“ Sir Arnold said.

„It would be very interesting to hear, where my fault lies then, my dear Arnold.“ Sir Humphrey said.

  
  


„Your Minister has been let off the leash and some people – not me of course – but some people might believe that you have done this deliberately. I could feel the foundations of our civilization crumble, when I heard this disturbing but distinguished speech of your Minister. I am not... I mean, The Prime Minister is NOT impressed.“ Sir Arnold said with an eyeroll. „ I do not... I mean, The Prime Minister does NOT approve of this sort of ill-placed initiative for shameless self-promotion from his Cabinet Ministers.“

  
  


Sir Arnold sipped tea and looked disdainfully at the fresh newspapers on top of his table.

„And regarding the privatizations... it must have been one of your people, who leaked this.“ Sir Arnold said sternly. „This has not been authorized, Humphrey, you know it very well.“

„Certainly not!“ Sir Humphrey argued. „My people do not leak. If you are looking for the culprit, then you should put No 10 staff under a more thorough scrutiny!“

„Humphrey, behave!“ Sir Arnold growled. „No 10 does not leak!“

  
  


„In that case, it might have been merely a chance event, as stories of corruption in the government tend to surface rather sooner than later. You are not suggesting, my dear Arnold, that Ministerial corruption ought to be covered up?“ Sir Humphrey said.

„Humpy! I would never suggest such thing!“ Sir Arnold snapped.

„Of course not, my dear Arnold. But you must admit that this government is starting to look worse every day...“ Sir Humphrey said.

  
  


„My dear Humpy, there are two kinds of politicians and the distinction between these two breeds is never black and white. First, there are the politicians who do have the budgetary means and these politicians are called the government. Second, there are the politicians who desperately want to have these budgetary means and these politicians are called the opposition. You see, the difference lies merely in one nuance.“ Sir Arnold said.

„I know that. But what happens to my political master?“ Sir Humphrey inquired.

  
  


„The Prime Minister gives him a warning later today. But he gets away with a warning this time – a very strong warning, but nonetheless, merely a warning, my dear Humpy.“ Sir Arnold said in an authoritative tone, indicating all further attempts to argue were useless. „But I do advise you to get your house in order, or some people might start reflecting on your soundness.“

„Thank you, my dear Arnold, for everything.“ Sir Humphrey said with ill-concealed sarcasm.

  
  


///

  
  


„There are not too many suspects, my dear fellows! Which one of you two leaked this charming insight into the PM's privatization schemes?“ Sir Humphrey lamented.

„Leaked the privatization schemes? It cannot be technically a leak, as it has never been a top-secret, Sir Humphrey.“ Bernard said, looking dumb.

  
  


„Well... it really is not technically a leak, everybody knows about the privatization schemes anyway... but now I do recall that... over the weekend I met one very nice girl... and if I try to remember it really hard, I think she might have been a journalist... but.. but... we can always blame No 10 for it anyway, because this is where all leaks come from.“ Lloyd said sheepishly. 

Bernard facepalmed with both hands. „Gosh...“

  
  


„How convenient!“ Sir Humphrey snapped snarkily. „And to think that I was actually defending your shameful antics in The Cabinet Office... I blamed it on No 10 because this is where all leaks come from! Any suggestions, how should I punish you?“

  
  


„It is a real pity it happened, and it should have not happened, but with all due respect, Sir Humphrey, keeping the governement reputation intact was not on the agenda last week.“ Bernard squeaked. „Besides, concealing such information from the people is actually very immoral.“

„Yeah... people have the right to know about such things...“ Lloyd repeated. He looked like he was on the verge of tears.

  
  


„Fair enough! But since I never authorized this, you deserve a punishment, Lloyd. Go pick up my suit from the dry cleaning.“

Lloyd looked rather relieved, he got away so easily.

  
  


///

  
  


„The line between democracy and anarchy is very thin and rather blurred. Some inbred cretin broke the windshield of my car. I truly abhor strikes!“ Sir Frank complained.

  
  


„Fortunately I work in the Foreign Office and I do not need to pretend to care about strikes.“ Jumbo said. „But do amuse me, Frank – what are these ordinary people demanding again anyway?“

„Higher salaries, what else.“ Sir Frank shrugged. „The ordinary people can only think of just one thing.“

  
  


///

  
  


„Sherry, my dear Bernard?“ Sir Humphrey said. He was clearly in an excellent mood again.

„Thank you, Sir Humphrey.“ Bernard said. „What is the occasion?“

„My dear Bernard, sometimes problems solve themselves not thanks to your own efforts, but because other players made an error, committed a _faux pas_ , overestimated themselves.“ Sir Humphrey said.

„I am not sure I follow, Sir Humphrey.“ Bernard mumbled, looking dumb.

„Berrrnaaarrrddd, shall we go step-by-step then? What do you think about The Prime Minister authorizing the use of troops during strikes?“

„Well, this is really not very nice, in my humble opinion, so many people got beaten up. It was just a strike and it would have died down rather sooner than later, I think. We have a democracy and I suppose this means that the ordinary people too have a right for some twisted form of entertainment.“

„Quite, although you are not entirely correct, as we have The British Democracy after all and without government interference, people would have simply beaten up each other. But what do you think about bringing the machine guns?“

„Rather ridiculous...“ Bernard mumbled.

„Indeed. Ridiculous. I could have not said it better myself. And the government can stay in power while being loved or hated but not while being laughed at. There are many ordinary people, who think that the opposition will make their life better – and this is quite frankly their problem. But the bottomline is, this show is surely going to lose the government the next election.“ Sir Humphrey said and poured another round of drinks.

„Aa...“

„There is less than a year left to suffer this... this... foul-speaking failed human being of a Minister.“

„Well, Sir Humphrey, I am sure that, whichever Minister comes here next, will look like an angel in comparison.“ Bernard said.

„Oh my dear Bernard, do not set your expectations that high.“

  
  


_FIN_


End file.
